Not waving but drowning.

I may look like I'm waiving very enthusiastically at you all while I'm swimming in the sea of independent practice but I'm actually drowning and trying as hard as I can to keep my head above the water. I am burned out, tired, have compassion fatigue, feel lost, feel like I am/should still be a resident, feel overwhelmed, feel like I'm the first person and the last person to ever feel like this. I am neglecting my family, my friends, my exercise, my race training, my sanity. I'm regretting becoming a doctor. Working at anything else seems so much more appealing right now.

Excuse my tantrum. I'm going to bed now.

Nobody heard him, the dead man,
But still he lay moaning:
I was much further out than you thought
And not waving but drowning.

Poor chap, he always loved larking
And now he's dead
It must have been too cold for him his heart gave way,
They said.

Oh, no no no, it was too cold always
(Still the dead one lay moaning)
I was much too far out all my life
And not waving but drowning. 

Stevie Smith