Stressed out Christmas

This holiday hasn't really been great from a stress standpoint. Mostly I've been freaking out about the impending start of clerkship, whether someone's going to yell at me if I wear my own surgical hat, when I'm going to kill someone, how to run a code, and whether someone is breaking into my house at school and stealing my computer while I'm not there. In retrospect, I should have brought my computer home so I don't wake up at 3 am every day sweating having a panic attack. I don't like change. I'm excited about starting this new phase of my life but there are many many layers of subconscious panic happening. Guh.

Snow Snow Snow Snow!

It snowed, a lot. For our annual holiday party yesterday we had about 15 people from the neigbourhood show up and we pushed out 4 cars. Ben and I had lots of fun frolicking in our snowshoes around the golf course behind my house. We found a lovely tree and decorated it all up, after chopping an ambitious 7 inches off the bottom - I guess the ceiling always seems higher than it is?

Now I'm sitting in my room searching for a place that still has snow tires that fit my car. It's not an easy feat. Seems like everyone else actually got their snow tires before it snowed... lucky them. My Mom just decided this weekend that she wants me to have snow tires instead of my lucky tiger paw all seasons, so, with her as my financial backer, I'm on the hunt. Wish me luck!

Going to get the Christmas tree today!!!!!! Ben and I are gonna cut one down on a tree farm. I'm stoked!!!

Why must my tummy always show?

Here is a very attractive picture of ben and a not so attractive picture of me from our canoe trip this summer.

I'm not very sure why this post has screwed up my masthead....

Introduction to clerkship

So, even though I'm finished exams, I'm not done school. I still have a week of "introduction to clerkship" before my Christmas holidays. Today was day 1. When I told Ben about it he said it was somewhat like putting a bunch of soldiers in the room and telling them how great fighting a war would be with tanks and guns and armour and then sending them into the battlefield with wooden sticks. We had a talk on how bad sleep deprivation is and how 18 hours of working without sleep makes a person the equivalent of a legally impaired drunk driver. However, we are still asked to do 28 hour shifts on weekdays and 2 24 hour shifts on weekends. We have talks telling us how important it is to eat healthily when on call, but then they tell us that the cafeteria and cafe are closed in the evenings so the only option other than packing a lunch at 5 in the morning to get to the hospital in time for rounds is to order take out. We are told that family, spouses and loved ones should be priorities, however, clerkship is a 16 month study period for the board exams and we should be studying every night as well as sleeping 8 hours - try fitting family in there.

If all of these things are so damn important, why aren't they accommodated for. And, if they're not important enough to schedule around, why do we get lectures telling us how important they are. I can't work miracles and sleep 8 hours a day if I'm on call for 30. For god's sakes, stop confusing me.

infertility

I was watching Dr. Phil today because that's what one does on the first day after exams are over after they've done all of their laundry and gone to the gym.

The subject of the show was infertility and women who wanted to get pregnant and whose partners didn't want to have babies. It got me thinking about IVF. I think that sometimes IVF is more of a curse than a blessing. The success rate is so low that sometimes I think it provides false hope and prevents women from grieving the fact that they cannot have children. I think it also gives some women the false impression that they can wait until they're in their 40s to have children and it will be ok because if they're too old to conceive there will always be another way. Perhaps the world should be encouraging women to have babies in their most fertile years and be supportive of women who want to do so. Maybe there should be better ways for women like me to take time off to have children without their colleagues scoffing and saying that they don't deserve to go into medical school if they're going to then work part time or take a few months off. We need to stop looking at child bearing as a vacation from important work or as an unfair advantage for women who won't have to do months of residency. I still hear grumbles from colleagues who complain about the idea of having to take extra call if someone goes on mat leave and saying things like how dare women go into surgical residencies and then take time off to have a baby. Sigh. How short sighted.

Ok, Xavier tagged me for this meme so here we go:

7 things about me

1. I have a new obsession with everything fitness. I've lost 10 pounds I didn't even know I had to lose and I'm loving it. Ben really likes it too and that can't hurt.

2. I have been snowboarding for 11 years and I love it. I love the serenity and being one with the snow. I love that Shhhh Shhh sound.

3. I really miss my friend Amy who lives in BC.

4. I always think I failed after exams.

5. I'm SUPER excited about clerkship because I think it will really give me a chance to shine

6. I can't wear high heels - my feet just weren't made for that

7. Garlic makes me lie in bed and die of heat and I'm sure Ben wants to cry every time I eat garlic.

That is all.

done done done done done

I'm done and it feels good. That exam wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I'm just so glad to be DONE!!! No more block exams for the rest of my life. Now to be replaced by clerkship CME exams.

2 down ...

I hate that post exam buzz where everyone talks about how easy/hard it was and asks about questions they weren't sure the answer to. Listen, it doesn't make a difference now and you'll never see that exam again unless you failed (which I'm sure you didn't). So, lets just move along and get ready for tomorrow.

I didn't feel that this exam went particularly well for me and so it makes it even worse when everyone else is talking about how it wasn't that bad. For me, it was that bad. Ok? maybe I'm just more stupid than the rest of you or I didn't study the right things, but please, get out of my face.

That is all. Tomorrow at 12:00 I will be free!!!!!!! Sweet freedom!

one down

One exam down, 2 to go. Today was the OSCE and I for one feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. OSCEs always make me very nervous because they're not at all anonymous. And, teachers who I really have a lot of respect for are often invigilating. I don't want to fuck up in front of my former clinical skills tutor, or the head of the department of emerg, or whatever. I care what these people think of me!

Anyway, the exam went a lot better than I thought it would. I fifed every patient within an inch of their life. I don't even remember half of the stations. It was a blur. I though 8 stations would feel like a lot but it didn't.

Onwards to the multiple choice!

I'm not scared enough for my exams tomorrow through Wednesday. It's like something is missing. I used to lie in bed at night with palpatations and I've only cried once in the past 24 hours - something must be wrong. Dammit.