So, residency is winding down. Two years has gone by SO FAST. I'm actually getting glad that I'm doing a fellowship. A month or two ago I would have said that the fellowship was a bit of a waste of time and I felt ready to go into practice. Now, I'm glad I'm doing it because I feel unprepared to do all the business side stuff of starting a practice AND if I failed the exam then I'll have time to study and take it again in the fall. The exam still looms over my like a dark cloud and there is still another week and a half until the results come out. Someone told me they'd be out on the 15th - not sure if that was just a rumor. Was talking over the SOOs with a colleague yesterday and feel even worse about them now than right after the exam. I wish I could stop thinking about it but it seems every day someone asks me if I got my results yet. Sad me :(

I need to start thinking about how to pack up and move all my stuff! 2 apartments worth of stuff, 1 apartment, interesting conundrum. Good thing Ben is really low on furniture and his place is a 2 bedroom. I'm tired of moving but we'll probably end up moving out of the waterloo place sooner rather than later because it's ugly and sucky. Maybe we can finally have a place with a dishwasher that isn't named Kate!

I have a knee effusion. It only feels better when I ride my bike without falling off. Can I have a doctor's note to say that I need to not fall off?

I have sciatica. It's only better when I ride my bike. Maybe I'll be able to get a doctor's note to skip work and bike every day...

This is REALLY important to watch if you're in healthcare.

The trip was wonderful and I never wanted to come home. Nothing like no TV and no internet to make a couple focus on each other!

I'm taking the husband away this weekend for his birthday. We're going to a surprise place and I"m excited because I think he'll really like it. I hope. Things have been tough with our living apart these past two years and I'm really looking forward to being together, finally, come July.

Saturday is going to be an epic road ride - a metric century (100 km). Hopefully the weather holds up!

I hate it when you call a consultant because you don't know what something is and you're afraid of a dangerous diagnosis and then they make you feel like an idiot for not knowing what it is... kind of defeats the point of them being a SPECIALIST and me being a GENERALIST, dontchya think?

So,
First mountain bike race of the season today. Had an alright day, fast on the double track, sucked on the muddy singletrack. I just need some help with my mud riding, it's all about being dynamic on the bike, which I find super hard when I'm tired. I need to go out on miserable days and ride in the mud more even though I hate it. I almost beat the girl that I really dislike but she got me just over the line by 2 seconds. She really irks me because she gets up behind people in singletrack and yells at them that they need to go faster instead of just passing or whatever. it's super annoying. She needs to just ride her own race.

As the days go on I'm becoming more and more convinced that I've failed the SOO portion of the exam. I keep thinking of the things I missed and the problems I should have looked for and it's really interfering with my sleeping etc. Why can't they just come out with the results sooner? This 6 week thing is pure torture.

The Exam

So, my morning starts with leaving 2 hours to get there. It takes an hour, but I like to be prepared. On the radio on the way to the exam they say there are some road closures because of the Sporting Life 10k run... I get downtown and avoid those streets. As I'm trying to get to the exam, I am confronted with the North/South street I am taking being closed, so I ask the police officer for an alternate. He tells me to go to Bay street. I get to by street and the crossing is closed, so then I am told by the cop to go to Bathurst. I get to Bathurst and it is closed to get North. I break down and start crying and ask Cop #3 who tells me to go down this road to the next lights and go North. 5 minutes later I'm seeing the SAME COP again because he gave me the wrong directions. He gives me another set of directions. This time I call my parents bawling because I'm not sure this road will be open. My Dad gives me directions on how to get to my destination. I have 5 minutes to get there. I get to my destination and there is no parking because THERE IS A POLICE PARADE circling the venue. I dump my car near a fire hydrant and pray I'm far enough away. I get to the venue with 2 minutes to spare. I'm sitting there and some of us are asked to stay behind. They confess that they overbooked the exam by 6 people and can only accommodate 5 so they're looking for a volunteer to do their exam at 1 pm instead. After a few minutes I volunteer because let's face it, I'm a mess and have a puffy red face. Waited for 3 hours, did exam. First station, someone I know is the freaking examiner so they have to scramble to get someone else to do it. Slightly shaken, I continue. Exam is ok, but not stellar. One station I fucked up royally. Hopefully the rest is good.

I am now in the post exam period of every second thought being "why did I put THAT".

Exam number 2 tomorrow. Hopefully once it's over I can just relax and not think about these things anymore.

The exam is tomorrow morning and I am shitting my pants and can't sleep. My friend who wrote it today said it wasn't bad... we'll see. I just tried to cram some nephro... so not happening.

Hello objective 66... I vaguely remember you... ish.

I'm starting to feel burned out. Only 4 days to go until the first exam and 6 days until I'm freeeeeeeeeeee. I plan on riding my bike every day, every darn day!

545 pages later, I finish objective 99... now to go back and actually learn stuff.

A wonderful young man that I went to high school with has died from melanoma. Of all the people from high school that I remember fondly, he perhaps sticks out the most. He was a non-judgmental, gentle soul who brought a smile to many faces in his too short life. He will be missed. RIP Doug Wright.



Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

W.H. Auden

although Doug wasn't my working week or Sunday rest, I think this is a beautiful poem for a beautiful person.

I'm really bad at turning down people who I think are seeking narcotics. Tonight I said no and then she acted/was all offended that I suggested she had been to the ER for narcotics several times and she freaked out and then my attending gave in on my behalf... I'm bad at being firm.

84. f.u. STD guidelines and the fact that all of skin is one objective. seriously - all of dermatology in one objective??

lucky objective number 79 - only 20 more to go! Then to go back and read it all again because I'm sure I didn't absorb much the first time.

I'm on objective number 57. I'm starting to feel like I'm not even paying attention anymore. It's like I'm robot studying... not sure it's actually going to help me in the end. Good thing I can take it again in the fall without consequences as I'm doing my fellowship. Not sure I could think of doing anything differently to study though. argh.

I'm on objective number 38 of 99. My exam is in a month. I feel burned out already. At least in med school your only job was to learn. Now, my job is to work, remember what to do practically AND remember what the book says to do. Not always the same thing. Does someone want to take the exam for me?