Thursday, June 28, 2007

Writing Writing Writing

The main goal of the job I'm at is to produce a document analyzing a survey and providing a literature review of educational literature regarding sexuality education. So far I'm at 21 pages of text (double spaced, 11 pt font, 1" margins). My report that I have to hand in for school has to be under 20 pages. So, I'm going to have to do some cutting. My friend D was kind enough to read over my report and she's going to edit it for me, but I'm still not sure how I'm going to cut out at least 5 pages (I haven't written the results and discussion yet and I'm sure I'll need a few pages left over for that). It's funny, you get attached to what you've researched and written and it becomes hard to cut things out. I'm not even sure if I can recognize what's not needed - I'm too close to it. So, I might put it away for a week or so when I'm finished here tomorrow and come back to it with a fresh eye. My supervisor who has to mark it is on vacation anyways so it won't make a difference to her. I feel like I've written my masters thesis all over again!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

I feel like the Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock today:

I grow old … I grow old …
I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled.

Shall I part my hair behind? Do I dare to eat a peach?

I shall wear white flannel trousers, and walk upon the beach.

I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each.

I do not think that they will sing to me.
T.S. Eliot
P.S. whoever got to this blog by googling "youtub sexmassage" - What The Hell!!!!!!

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

You show a STRONG automotaic preference for other presidents compared to Bush.

Looks like I feel the same way implicitly as I do explicitly!


You know, I'm really really really angry. I hate it when someone tells you something and gets your hopes up and then changes their mind. I applied for a research position with the college of physicians and surgeons because the person who posted the position told me I didn't have to be in Ottawa to do the job. I got really excited about the opportunity and send in my resume right away. Today I get a call asking if I can be in Ottawa for the duration of the project and the woman tells me that it's mandatory. What the hell. You can't just change your mind like that, do these people not realize that what they say has a huge impact on other people? The lady didn't even apologize when I pointed out what I had been told. Dammit. I'm really really sad and disappointed and angry. This means that for the next two months I'll have to go back to the temp agency and see what they can do for me. Argh. This really chaps my ass. I just want to work and make some money, is that too much to ask?

Monday, June 25, 2007

The anatomy of a good weekend

What makes a good weekend? This weekend was a good one due to a combination of things:
1) just enough activities to not be bored, but not so many as to prevent sleeping in
2) one good wine-induced fun time (oops, I broke my diet)
3) Shaving 3 strokes off my golf game after my golf lesson which totally revolutionized my swing - I gained 20 yards of distance in 1 hour
4) Spending it with Ben
5) Ice cream
6) Taking my blood pressure on Sunday and getting 98/66 with a heart rate of 55 - which I see as a measure of fitness.
7) Getting my pay cheque

Now the only thing that could make my life better is to get this job I applied for... cross your fingers for me. By the way, if you email in a resume, do you expect to get a note back from the person saying that they received it or should I follow up with another email (I sent it in on Thursday).

Friday, June 22, 2007

I know these things are lame but I'm tired after my long day and I just don't have the energy to post something real.

4 jobs I've held
1. Figure skating instructor
2. Coffee whore i.e. barista
3. Research Assistant
4. Engineering Technician

4 movies I can watch over and over
1. Dirty Dancing
2. Singing in the Rain
3. White Christmas
4. Pride and Prejudice

4 places I've lived
1. Toronto, ON
2. Glasgow, UK
3. Guelph, ON
4. Prisontown Ontario
(is there a theme here or what??)

4 categories of television programming I enjoy
1. Wedding shows
2. Decorating shows
3. Fashion Shows
4. Dancing shows

4 places I have been on holiday
1. Rome
2. Scotland
3. Spain
4. St. Thomas

4 favorite dishes
1. Pizza
2. Lobster
3. Chocolate
4. Ice Cream

4 websites I visit daily
1. Fat Doctor
2. Midwife with a knife
3. Dooce
4. Facebook

4 places I'd rather be right now
1. Hanging out with my sibs drinking wine
2. Rome with Ben
3. Anywhere having sex
4. The cottage

Thursday, June 21, 2007

I walked by a really seedy hotel on Bay street today and there were boxes from two massage tables sitting outside... Isn't that kind of asking to be raided by the police for running a sex massage parlour?

I got word of a job opening for July and August today. I'm going to apply and see what happens. It pays well and I can work from home - it's mostly a research type thing. I'm going to update my CV today to include my most recent job and more of my research skills and write a coverletter. Thankfully a friend of mine said she would edit it.

I've been really really fatigued over the past couple of days. Last night I went to bed at 9:00 and I still feel tired this morning. argh.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

The other night I lay in bed listening to the stomach acid sizzle in the back of my throat and had to sit up for a while before I could lie down again and go to sleep. As this was happening I could hear my ENT prof's voice in my head "most people who come in to see me with damaged vocal chords due to GERD have had symptoms for years and just did nothing about it". Last month I started to get a globus sensation in my throat which, like any good med student with medstudentitis, got me worried about Barrett's esophagus. Yesterday I was at the doctor and she gave me 3 weeks worth of Pariet along with my tetanus shot (unrelated, but boy does my arm feel like hell). Hopefully that will clear it up.

I'm going to lay off a few choice items for the next little while too: wine (limit to one glass with food), carbonated beverages (eliminate), orange juice (eliminate) - I find that these usually bring on my bad bouts of heartburn.

My father and I have very odd digestive tracts and he can't drink beer - hopefully that doesn't happen to me!

Monday, June 18, 2007

The weekend was fun. On Saturday I got to hang out with my sister all morning and we played golf at her hockey team golf tournament. It was probably the worst round we've both played this year but it doesn't matter since we had fun and we were both hitting shittily. She's playing at a really chic resort next weekend so hopefully she has better luck! I lost one of my pink golf balls though, which is a bummer. Good thing I have lots more.

On Saturday night my father was singing in a show called Scotland the Brave. It was basically a Scottish proms with lots of singing of Scottish songs and lots of bagpipes etc. The funny thing was, there wasn't a single Scottish person among the main performers. They were all Australian or Canadian! It was fun anyway. I really like bagpipe music and the 48th Highlanders regimental band played all the bagpipe pieces. They were fantastic and their drummers are amazing.

On Sunday we went down to Harbourfront and sat on a patio with my cousin and her irish boyfriend and drank Corona. A nice way to end off the weekend, although I got home and thought it was time to go to bed - it was only seven o'clock.

So, all in all a good weekend with nothing medical involved. Just the way I like it.

Friday, June 15, 2007

Today I've been listening to a selection of Blink 182 songs off youtube because Milk and 2 Sugars inspired me by her latest post. When I was a real punk with a mohawk and everything I always thought blink were wussy but as I got older and mellowed a bit I came to understand their brilliance of sarcasm and humor. Although, my favorite song is Adam's Song which is very touching and heartfelt (it makes me tear up a bit every time I hear it). Blink 182 really makes me think of a boyfriend I had while in University. I went on tour briefly with his band to Montreal's Warped Tour. It was a blast. I haven't seen him in forever and he was a great guy.

And, on a different note, I've tagged myself for this meme from I'm a medical student.

Two names you go by: Tater Tots, and K

Two things you are wearing right now: New jeans, black flats bought in Paris, very chic

Two things you would want (or have) in a relationship: Love and snuggles.

Two of your favourite things to do: Shopping for clothes (preferably with money I actually have), Eating out

Two things you want very badly at the moment: Money to buy new clothes (I really need a new shirt for golf), to see Ben

Two pets you have had: A cat named Annie, A dog named Sandy.

Two things you did last night: Made some home-made pizza, watched "So you think you can dance"

Two things you ate today: Raisin Bran (no name kind), Banana

Two people you last talked to: Random lady in elevator, Ben

Two things you are doing tomorrow: Playing in a golf tournament, going to see the Scottish Proms

Two longest car rides: Well, I drove to Washington DC once, that was a long drive and we drove around Ireland when I was 16 and violently ill and that FELT like the longest car ride ever

Two favourite holidays: Rome with Ben, Scottish tour with Ben

Thursday, June 14, 2007

A very interesting and profound excerpt from an article I'm reading. I just had to share:

"Humberto Maturana (1986), a neurophilosopher from Chile who started life as a biologist, has offered very helpful definitions of love and violence. He defines love as: “the providing of space (a context of acceptance) for the experience of another even if there is some cost to self.

And he sees violence as: “the holding of an opinion to be true such that another’s is untrue and must change.”

It is important to realize that the holding of different opinions does not necessitate violence, but rather the holding of the belief that the other’s opinion must change is where all violence stems from.

This is a broad and inclusive definition of violence, but as a therapist, I have found it particular helpful because it defines as violence even those activities that sometimes cultures value, such as obligatory schooling for children against their wishes, or occasions of punishment at home where a parent’s will is imposed over that of a child. By defining these current culturally appropriate interactions as violent, it invites us as parents or therapists to acknowledge our own violence and secondarily to develop that highly important therapeutic skill - the ability to reflect on our actions. As a therapist use of such a broad definition can invite us to reflect on whether we in fact are acting with unintended therapeutic violence in reference to our clients. And finally, this definition can also assist us help clients avoid unintended imposition in relation to the persons whom they care for and love.

The usefulness of this definition of violence as an experience can be seen in the work that I did with Mary, the young woman who had been genitally assaulted at age 12. In the consult session, I looked at Mary and I asked, “Do you play baseball?”

She looked back obviously perplexed and perhaps even thinking, ‘He’s the one showing bizarre thinking and I’m the one diagnosed as schizophrenic.’ “Yes,” she replied.

“Well, please bear with me for a short while. Let’s pretend for a moment that you are in a baseball game. You’re the catcher and it’s the last inning of the game with the last batter up. The batter has one more strike before being out and if this batter goes out, your team wins. Let’s pretend that this is a fun game between two teams on a Sunday afternoon. Both teams have been enjoying themselves and are looking forward to the end of the game so they can move on to celebrate. As the pitcher throws the ball, the batter swings with great effort, misses the ball, and you, as catcher, catch it. You now know that the game is over, your team has won, and the follow-up parties await. However, before you can fully recover your balance from
the catch, the batter turns and with full and mighty strength, swings the bat hard across your head. If this were to occur, would we call this baseball?”

Mary looked at me, eyes wide, obviously thinking and said “No.”

I said, “I’m curious, why would it be that if a man uses his genitals against a woman, we would call it sex?”

It was Mary’s response to this question that has prompted my talking about this in professional circles. She looked at me, silence in the room. Initially I could not read her expression but slowly tears began to roll down her cheeks, softening her stony look.

On many occasions since this session, I have asked professionals what they believe Mary was emotionally experiencing at the moment of her tears. Many women say, perhaps relief. Many men state, perhaps sadness at the time lost. But, in fact, when I asked Mary to tell me of her tears, she looked at me, and angrily said, “You mean I had to wait all these years to learn this?”

From: Sanders, G. Sexualtiy, Power, and Empowerment: One Man's Reflections on Sex Therapy

Unfortunately, Gary Sanders died in 2002 after a 3 year battle with cancer. I stronly recommend accessing and reading the entire article.

Missing you.

Ben had to make a trip to Pennsylvania yesterday which involved driving to Buffalo last night, saying over, flying to Washington at 6:15 this morning then to Pennsylvania after a layover and then rinse and repeat on the way back. Unfortunately, whoever was supposed to book his plane tickets at work forgot... leaving him trying to buy tickets this morning at the airport. Due to last minuteness, the return flight he was supposed to catch is full so he's not getting back to Buffalo until 11:15 tonight. Meaning that either he will stay over again and drive home the next day (which i want) or drive home and get here after midnight (what he wants to do). It was really strange being in his house last night without him. I had crazy dreams all night and woke up this morning aching for a snuggle.

Do you have anything that you carry around with you in your subconscious that you feel very guilty about? I do. And, it comes out in my dreams. I once betrayed a friend and did what I thought at the time was for her own good. I realize now that sometimes people don't need rescuing, they just need help, and that I stepped over that line. I dream about this person at least a couple of times a month. I probably will for the rest of my life, or I guess until I do something I feel even more guilty about!

Wednesday, June 13, 2007


Sarah Toller

February 7, 1977 - June 12, 2007

Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the softly falling snow.
I am the gentle showers of rain,
I am the fields of ripening grain.
I am in the morning hush,
I am in the graceful rush
Of beautiful birds in circling flight.
I am the starshine of the night.
I am in the flowers that bloom,
I am in a quiet room.
I am in the birds that sing,
I am in each lovely thing.
Do not stand and my grave and cry,
I am not there - I do not die.
May You Rest in Eternal Peace

When I was a kid and dreamed of peeing, I used to pee the bed. I'm always amazed now when I have a dream that I'm peeing and I wake up without peeing the bed. One of the wonderful things about growing up and gaining control over one's body.

I woke up 3 times last night to take my pill... 3am, 5am and 6am before actually taking it at 6:45. I think I'm gone to the other extreme of pill taking and now just have to strike a balance and remember ONCE a day.

Ben and I had decided we were going to be early last night. After a trip to Canadian Tire and a trip to the grocery store, that plan didn't really pan out. We went to bed at our usual 10:00. Tonight, however, I AM going to bed early becuase I'm exhausted. I'm having trouble concentrating at work because I constantly want to take a nap and found myself yawning when in with a patient yesterday - although I did a closed mouth yawn, people still notice.

I saw two very weird things this morning on my commute:
1 - I saw the "makeup gnome" : a lady who was hiding behind a pillar of a Bay St. business tower doing her makeup... I'm not sure why she felt she couldn't go into the bathroom in the lobby of the building and do it there. It was like it was a covert operation.

2 - I saw a woman walking down Bay St. (a very busy street in the middle of the financial district of Toronto) in the middle of the morning rush, KNITTING. Seriously, she was knitting some kind of garment on circular knitting needles, while WALKING. Weird eh?

Tuesday, June 12, 2007


Lately I've had to wake up at 6:40 in the morning to get ready and hop on my bike in time to make my train. This has started making me very forgetful. I forgot to take my birth control pill this morning and it's weighing heavily on my mind. I'll be 10 hours late, so I guess no more sex for 7 days. This weekend I also forgot to take my pack to my parents house when we slept over on Saturday night so took my Sunday pill late too. I've never had a problem remembering to take my pills before, so I guess I'll chalk it up to adjusting to this new schedule. Bummer for the sex life though.

Last night Ben wanted to go shopping for work clothes because some of his clothes were a bit small and were making him feel fat. So, off we toddled to the mall. Unfortunately, I can't enter a mall without having an uncontrollable urge to shop. I held off at just one 30 dollar item though. Maybe I should work for the months of July and August in a clothing store. At least then I'd get cheap clothes!

Monday, June 11, 2007

Last night when I packed my lunch for today I had an urge to put a beer in my lunch bag instead of the usual orange soda... I'm not a big drinker but this got me wondering why. I think it's because I find this job both boring and stressful. I'm bored but at the same time know I have lots to do and should be getting on with things. I just have a hard time getting going. Plus, it's a really nice hot day outside, one that would go perfectly with a beer. Thirdly, it's summer, perhaps I feel like I should be outside drinking beer instead of working.

In other news, the zoo this weekend was very fun indeed. Although, my nephew was more interested in the dump truck he brought along and the bridges and tunnels at the zoo than the animals. He's a civil engineer in the making!

Ben and I had an interesting silly argument about flatulence and jack rabbits also. Let's see what you think:

If a jack-rabbit were following you around just on your heels and you farted the most deadly toot known to man (enough to stun and jack rabbit) and then sat down would:
a) the jack rabbit be so stunned you would sit on him and suffocate him and he would die
b) hear the fart before he was overwhelmed by the smell and make a timely escape from the vicinity of your bum and survive to see another day?
I argue b) because I contend that the speed of farts is slower than the speed of sound. Fart smell has to diffuse from the bum hole region through the air to the jackrabbit and the sound just has to travel as a wave through the existing particles of air. This is the same principal at work when someone on the subway makes a stinky sound and then it takes a few seconds for everyone around them to groan due to the stink attack.

You may thing this a silly argument, and I agree, but I'd still like to hear your opinion on the matter.

Friday, June 08, 2007

It seems that something has gone awry with FPMama so for now I'm taking the link off my sidebar. Her blog disappeared for a few days and now there's a new blog with a different design and a post about Brad Pitt... this is not FPMama's usual style. I hope FPMama will make a comeback someday.

I'm totally exhausted this morning from my trek to work. The weather has warmed up a bit and it made the walk north a very sweaty one. I decided to start bringing running shoes for the walk and leaving my fancy shoes at work because my knees have started to hurt.

Went to the driving range last night in prep. for my game on the weekend. Then went and bought 15 new golf balls in lovely pink and purple. Who says golf can't be girly. I'm looking forward to playing tomorrow since I almost broke 50 for 9 last weekend. Originally I thought I'd shot a 48 but Ben had forgotten to add one of my scores so I shot a 54. The long holes have become my nemesis because I just don't have much distance. Hopefully an improvement in my short game will start to make up for this.

I'm going with my sister, brother in law, nephew and Ben to the zoo on Sunday and I'm stoked. I hope it's not too warm because we're going to be outside all day. I shall remember my hat and sunscreen!

Thursday, June 07, 2007

While researching female sexuality and ritualization of sex, I came across this very poignant piece of writing:

The Wedding Night
And if I may speak of my wedding night,
I had expected caresses. Sweet kisses. Hugging and love.
No. Never!
Awaiting me was pain. Suffering and sadness.
I lay in my wedding bed, groaning like a wounded
animal, a victim of feminine pain.
At dawn, ridicule awaited me.
My mother announced: Yes, she is a virgin.

And now I appeal: I appeal for love lost, for dreams
For the right to live as a whole human being,
I appeal to all peace loving people to protect, to
support and give a hand to innocent little girls
who do no harm.
Obedient to their parents and elders, all they know
is only smiles.
Initiate them to the world of love, not to the world
of feminine sorrow!

Dahaho Ali Muse, Somalia [Lycos Web site.
index.html. Accessed July 8, 2006.] (extract from an English article).

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Oh Man, I'm doing my happy dance today!

BEN GOT HIS VISA!!!!!!!!!!

We're not sure for how long, but he's officially STAYING IN CANADA



Today I managed to take not 1 but 3 environmentally friendly modes of transportation on my way to work. 1) bike to the train station 2) train to the city 3) subway to work. I usually skip 3 and walk from the downtown station to work but today i was a bit late as it was my first biking day. If I walk and ride my bike then I think i'll get about 45 minutes of exercies per day which will almost compensate for the fact that I'm not getting to the gym right now as much as I would like.

I wouldn't call myself an environmentalist, but I would say I'm becoming more conscious of how what I do impacts the world around me. I want to leave as small a blemish as possible when I make my grand exit from this world. My new focus is food. I was walking into the train station this morning and there was a woman there handing out Quaker Cinnamon Roll Oatmeal bars. I decided to eat it when I got to the office because I was hungry... then I looked at the ingredients list. After the 4th ingredient there was hardly anything I recognized as real food. Niacinamide, calcium pantothenate, glycerine (isn't that soap?), invert sugar (did they turn in upside down?), BHA (it's got to be bad when they dont' even spell out the acronym), and the list goes on. It's not just instant oatmeal bars that are filled with additives and preservatives, it's all of the prepared foods in our lives. So, I'm going to make an effort to only eat things that I recognize as coming from a field or a tree. I made a giant lasagna last night from the recipe on recipezaar that Milk and 2 Sugars highlighted. It took me a long time and lots of dishes, but now I have a wholesome lunch. I haven't tasted it yet (it could be awful and I have LOTS of it) so I'm crossing my fingers that it's tasty!

I wish there was a farmers market in my area that I could get fresh local produce from, but I don't think there is :(

Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Sitting in the office blogging at lunch time - I feel so grown up... and addicted to the internet.

Today was my first day sitting in on some psychiatric assessments with my research supervisor. The thing I've found most interesting so far is the motivation to seek therapy. For some patients it's when they feel that their disease has escalated and is becoming out of control and maybe someone new has noticed that things aren't quite right, but for other patients they seem to have weathered the storm and come in after the worst of the crisis is over. For some I think that when they're in the crisis they are so low in self esteem that they feel they're not worthy of help and when they start to see the light at the end of the tunnel they get up the self worth necessary to seek treatment. Maybe there's a fear that if they start slipping into it again they won't get the help they need, so they go now when they feel relatively well as a preventative measure. As I've mentioned in recent posts, I think therapy in a family medicine setting can be really rewarding so the things I'm learning here I think I will carry with me into my own future practice. It's nice to see outpatients too because they're more likely to be similar to those patients I would see. Although, last week with the family doc we did Form 1 someone, so I guess the more extreme cases do crop up. There are also other parallels between family medicine and psychiatry such as continuity of care. Overall, now that I'm doing some clinical stuff, the research will be more enjoyable. I hate sitting in a cold office alone all day on the computer.

Monday, June 04, 2007

Oh my god, I'm already super bored at work and it's only 2:18 on Monday afternoon. I want a nap.

Friday, June 01, 2007


Today I left my sisters house and came home. I was really sad. My sister and I have grown closer as we have grown older and I really enjoy spending time with her. She was so nice to let me stay at her house for the past 2 weeks and to find me a doctor to shadow while I was in her city.

As I drove back to the highway I teared up a bit thinking that I wasn't going to see her for a little while. Even though I'm going to see her next weekend to go to the zoo, it's not the same as hanging out in the evenings watching TV and chatting about life or taking a walk with my nephew to see the construction site down the road and talking to my sister about our days. My grandmother once told me that being the youngest child was a curse because the rest of your family will die and leave you all alone. That stuck with me and is always in the back of my mind, making these moments with my siblings special and bittersweet at the same time. It seems morbid perhaps, but I just want the good times to go on forever and when they're over I always feel like I've lost something.

I'm looking forward to many such happy times with my sister in the future as I grow up and become an adult and our children grow up together (if I have any, otherwise, I watch her and my brother's children grow up together).

And then, half way home, my 'check engine' light came on in the car and that was the end of my relaxing drive. I hate cars, I wish I could just ride my bike everywhere but then I'd have to block off days for transit!